I guess this is my first official "blog". Today has been interesting to say the least. I guess all the little things are pointing me into the direction I had been going for a while now. I kept telling myself maybe I should stay here. My friends aren't THAT far, My family isn't THAT far. But realistically. Maybe in distance they aren't but everything else, They are. I barely see anyone and of coarse I get sad, and upset about it. But what's the difference if I go there as often as I do now by plane instead of driving? None to me. I haven't seen any of my closest friends in at least 6 months. My mind is definitely made up and today's events of drama and other bullshit that I don't need in my life have confirmed it all. I have been so worried about work and all of that. I NEED to this week get in the appointments I need. I need to go to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. I need to go to the doctor to get a new inhaler. Then i wont have to worry so much about getting laid off suddenly and having no insurance to get the things I need. If I just make these appointments and then quit. I'd feel better about everything. Next, I need to figure out where I'm going. I have had a few ideas back and forth. Where I really want to be, Don't look promising. I have to remember life isn't a fairy tale. As much as I want things to be perfect. I know I hurt someone who is the most important person in my life, especially right now. I hold so much in that sometimes I want to just let it all out. I can't. It hurts to. And I am starting to realize it makes him uncomfortable. I'd give anything to take back the past. But, that isn't going to happen. So, I have to live with my mistakes and learn from them. I need to vent somewhere. I guess this was a good idea. Where I can write and write about my thoughts and have no worries about expressing how I feel. I need to let it out a little. My head wants to explode sometimes, Like right now. I feel so content, yet so lost. I just want to get back what I give. I want to be cared for how I care about everyone else. I know that isn't how it is. Just dreaming. I find it crazy that the closest person to me in this world, I've never even touched. But, I dream about it almost every night and it feels so right. I go to bed every night hoping the dreams will continue. I always think of the saying "Why am I so afraid of losing you, When you're not even mine." I guess a part of me has been given. I don't want it back.
As of now I hear tornado sirens and I should get back into the basement. Maybe I will have more to say later. Who knows. If not...Niters.
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