I always liked this.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are
yours and contain your food. The other dishes are
mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does
not stake a claim for it becoming your food and
dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by
NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the
bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than
a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do
not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually
curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
Also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a
secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I
beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn
the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to
pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the
bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is
not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then
go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot
stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I
have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit &
Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on
your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it"furniture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short,
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children..